25w1d

Tomorrow is d-day.  Tomorrow is the day that I have been dreading, since I found out I was pregnant with this little guy.  Tomorrow is the day in my pregnancy  that we lost Ireland, 25 weeks and 1 day.

This pregnancy has gone by in a blink and I am thankful for that, but also I am so scared of these next weeks.  I don’t know what to do with  this bottomless grief, that swallows me whole.  It consumes me from inside out, and just won’t let go.  How do you come to terms with grief like this and keep moving forward.  The loss of our sweet girl, has changed my views of pregnancy in the most extreme of ways. On one hand I complain less about the day-to-day annoyances of pregnancy, but I worry more about the extremely low possibility of losing another baby.

Sometimes I think its best to just give into the grief and sit and let it consume for awhile.  At least it’s honest, and at least I am not denying the hurt that cuts beyond bone.  I sat and watched Ireland’s funeral service tonight, my boys were with my parents for a little bit, and Kevin was gone.  I stuck the DVD in and listened to our dear friend and mentor speak words of hope and comfort to our breaking hearts.  I didn’t hear much of his message the day of her service, I was too busy focusing on getting through my next breath.  But today, I heard his words, and I think they were more meaningful today, then they were on January 30th.

I cried through the whole video, but instead of tears of agony, these tears were more bittersweet.  They were tears that remember the hopeless heartache of loss. They were also tears that are slowly moving  me forward, to a place of hopeful anticipation of my future.  A future where the raw sting becomes more of a painful memory, one that will never make sense, a memory that someday I can come to terms with. I hope that someday in the near future I will be able to look at this experience and know that Ireland’s purpose on this earth was to teach me how to love more deeply, how to look at life through different eyes, and most importantly how to take each minute and savor it, because it could be over in a moment.

Thank you sweet girl for teaching me more about life than I could have ever dreamed.  You will always hold my heart, and love you more today than I did when I first saw you.  You my girl are a treasure, and a very important part of this family, even though you are not here with us.  I love you baby.
Love,
Mommy

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