All Over The Place.

Kevin and I made a step out in faith, and decided after much deliberation and many of my post-pregnancy, hormone laden tears, that I am not going to go back to work.  I am going to stay home with my sweet boys and be the mama that I have wanted to be for the last few years.  I feel like I have missed so much of Mac and Mercer’s last couple of years.  I have burned the candle at both ends, struggling to balance being a wife, a mother and a productive employee.  I didn’t do any of it well.  I can’t count how many nights I would collapse into bed and wonder, if what I was doing, and how I was living was accomplishing anything, other than to make me feel like a failure in all areas of my life.

So we have stepped out in faith, believing the the Lord hears my prayers, and knows my deepest desire is to be a mama to my boys, and be not just be here in body, but all of me 100% committed to raising these boys.  I have a friend who needs a sitter for her little boy, and I am happy to have him hang out with my motley crew!  So I am praying for one more kiddo to come and hang out with us during the day.  The amount that I would earn from watching 2 kiddo’s would replace the income that I would bring home (after paying my own daycare costs.)  It was an easy decision on my part.  I think Kevin was more unsure, because we have been, for such a long time, a two-income family.  But that is where trust comes into play.  We trust, and God provides.  Simple as that.

Lots has happened with our little family in the last month.  Potter J. was born on December 19th; 4-weeks early buy healthy none-the-less.  It was a scary delivery for me, and I found myself back in that dark place, where I  have spent so much of my time these past months.  I had some complications that have forced me to realize that our family is complete now.  My body can’t physically  handle another pregnancy and I am not sure my emotions could either. So this sweet little Potter is the last newborn I will snuggle and nurse.  It is a funny thing, to know that this is the last time that I will experience the pregnancy flutters, labor, and that sweet baby season.  I think I am ok with that….I think.

The Incredible Doctor, who was there when Ireland was born, and made sure that she was there for Potter J. too.  We’ve come full circle together, and I love her for journeying with me.

We spent most of the week following Potter’s birth in the hospital, he was released on the 21st, only to be re-admitted on the 23rd for severe jaundice.  I was devastated. It was not where I pictured spending my Christmas season.  We were lucky and got to come home on Christmas night, but it just felt like Christmas passed our family by this year.  Don’t get me wrong, I was elated to have Potter J. here and healthy.  But my other boys really took the back burner this year.  So we celebrated the best we could, and spent the days following Christmas catching up on some much needed family time!  I will say, that the hospital was incredible to our family during our stay there.  We had Christmas Eve in their gigantic playroom.  My boys loved it, and it was nice to get to spend some much needed time together.

Fancy Glasses and a Tanning Bed

 

Catching up with The Boys. Mcguire is missing, he was too busy being a ninja to take time for a photo-shoot.
I have been faced with trying to wrestle through some really hard emotions and fears with this sweet boy.  I woke up the other morning feeling guilty.  For the last year, I have woken up every morning with Ireland at the front of my thoughts.  Missing her. Wondering why? Having lopsided conversations with her, hoping that they reach her, in some form.  But since Potter J’s arrival, she hasn’t been the first thought in my brain.  It has been him.  His smell, the way he feels in my arms, the tug at my breast while he eats, his sweet nose and gigantic feet.  The joy that I felt when I heard his first cry and the weight of him in my arms for that first moment.  And for some reason, I feel like I am forgetting her, and I feel guilty for being in a place where I am ok with how this last year has progressed.
But then I remember.  The tears, the heartache, and the weight of loss bearing down.  I am not sure how to process these bittersweet feelings.  I am over joyed with Potter, he is beyond what I had hoped for.  But I still ache for what could have been with Ireland.  I am selfish I guess, I want them both, and I don’t want to be the woman who knows these heartaches.  I want to be unaware.
This post is a little bit whiny and I apologize for that, I just never expected to be feeling such a range of emotions like these, and never would have expected them to weigh so heavily on my heart.  So pray for me please, that I can find a balance, a balance between Ireland’s memory and the the blessing of Potter in our house.

Love,

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Comments

  1. Jessica, I love reading your words and the feelings that they evoke in me! You are a truly amazing and one of a kind woman. It is never easy to share your sorrows, but it is especially hard to reveal your shortcomings. Your boys and your precious Ireland are blessed to call you mother. The fact that you know you can improve speaks volumes of the mother that you are, and will become. I am so blessed to call you friend. Although we are miles and miles apart, I look forward to our friendship!

  2. Jessica ~ wow, what a roller coaster! Doesn't seem fair to have to endure 'scary and birth' after loosing a baby already. BUT I am so happy that Potter is here and safe at last. I am due any day myself, and I have been feeling those all to real feelings of guilt and grief that you so eloquently described in this post. I don't know what to expect when this babe is born, but I anticipate feeling a lot like you have just described.

  3. I'm so happy for you. I'm glad your not going back to work. I know from me it's so nice to get to be there for my kids. Sometimes the paycheck is tough but we always make it. I'm sure there is alot of bittersweet. I remember when I had Carly my rainbow and thinking of how there shhould have been those two other children before. Even though I'm a different kind of Mommy now I know that there is not a moment that they don't cross my mind. I'm thinking of you and your family and your precious Ireland this week especially. Lots of prayers & a Big welcome to Potter J.
    Love ya

  4. That is wonderful news. I am glad you will be a stay at home mom, these are very important years for all of you. ((HUGS))

  5. I think it is great that you get to stay at home, Jess. It is a big leap of faith of course. The Bible does say God will meet our needs, sometimes we have to remember what he thinks our needs are and what we think our needs are could be two different things, but I believe his word and I know he will meet your needs.

    I am sorry it was a rough time after Potter was born and the complications you had with his birth. I would imagine the next few days ahead will be hard ones for you, but I know Jesus is right there walking alongside you.

    betty

  6. Jessica,

    Your new wee boy is absolutely gorgeous! I am so happy to see you blessed by him. I remember when my fourth son, Austin, was born. Such a wonderful day! I think you will find yourself so incredibly blessed by staying home with your precious children! I couldn't imagine being away from my children. The more time you spend with them, the more you will find your cup runneth over! They are such incredible blessings. I am envious of you (in a nice sort of way) because your children are so little. A new babe would be such a blessing to our family! *smile*

    Enjoy and God bless!

    Justine
    http://havefaithwilldream.blogspot.com
    http://andthentherewere10.blogspot.com

  7. Jessica,
    Thank you again for sharing your heart. I can only imagine the struggle to find balance with the emotions surrounding these two precious babes. I will pray for you in this season of your life.
    I am so happy, as you know, that you will be able to stay home. I can't think of a better place for you to be after the heartache you've faced. Soak up this time with your boys and enjoy! May our Father bless you abundantly as you do!!!

    In Him,

    Candace

  8. Jessica, The Lord will bless you for this decision to stay home with your children. I beleive He wants the paretns raising their children not someone else. You will see many many blessins from this decision, some will be tangible and some will not but remember they are all from the Lord.He will and does take care of His children.
    God Bless you in this new season of your life, it will be worth it.
    Susan

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