All Over The Place.

Kevin and I made a step out in faith, and decided after much deliberation and many of my post-pregnancy, hormone laden tears, that I am not going to go back to work.  I am going to stay home with my sweet boys and be the mama that I have wanted to be for the last few years.  I feel like I have missed so much of Mac and Mercer’s last couple of years.  I have burned the candle at both ends, struggling to balance being a wife, a mother and a productive employee.  I didn’t do any of it well.  I can’t count how many nights I would collapse into bed and wonder, if what I was doing, and how I was living was accomplishing anything, other than to make me feel like a failure in all areas of my life.

So we have stepped out in faith, believing the the Lord hears my prayers, and knows my deepest desire is to be a mama to my boys, and be not just be here in body, but all of me 100% committed to raising these boys.  I have a friend who needs a sitter for her little boy, and I am happy to have him hang out with my motley crew!  So I am praying for one more kiddo to come and hang out with us during the day.  The amount that I would earn from watching 2 kiddo’s would replace the income that I would bring home (after paying my own daycare costs.)  It was an easy decision on my part.  I think Kevin was more unsure, because we have been, for such a long time, a two-income family.  But that is where trust comes into play.  We trust, and God provides.  Simple as that.

Lots has happened with our little family in the last month.  Potter J. was born on December 19th; 4-weeks early buy healthy none-the-less.  It was a scary delivery for me, and I found myself back in that dark place, where I  have spent so much of my time these past months.  I had some complications that have forced me to realize that our family is complete now.  My body can’t physically  handle another pregnancy and I am not sure my emotions could either. So this sweet little Potter is the last newborn I will snuggle and nurse.  It is a funny thing, to know that this is the last time that I will experience the pregnancy flutters, labor, and that sweet baby season.  I think I am ok with that….I think.

The Incredible Doctor, who was there when Ireland was born, and made sure that she was there for Potter J. too.  We’ve come full circle together, and I love her for journeying with me.

We spent most of the week following Potter’s birth in the hospital, he was released on the 21st, only to be re-admitted on the 23rd for severe jaundice.  I was devastated. It was not where I pictured spending my Christmas season.  We were lucky and got to come home on Christmas night, but it just felt like Christmas passed our family by this year.  Don’t get me wrong, I was elated to have Potter J. here and healthy.  But my other boys really took the back burner this year.  So we celebrated the best we could, and spent the days following Christmas catching up on some much needed family time!  I will say, that the hospital was incredible to our family during our stay there.  We had Christmas Eve in their gigantic playroom.  My boys loved it, and it was nice to get to spend some much needed time together.

Fancy Glasses and a Tanning Bed

 

Catching up with The Boys. Mcguire is missing, he was too busy being a ninja to take time for a photo-shoot.
I have been faced with trying to wrestle through some really hard emotions and fears with this sweet boy.  I woke up the other morning feeling guilty.  For the last year, I have woken up every morning with Ireland at the front of my thoughts.  Missing her. Wondering why? Having lopsided conversations with her, hoping that they reach her, in some form.  But since Potter J’s arrival, she hasn’t been the first thought in my brain.  It has been him.  His smell, the way he feels in my arms, the tug at my breast while he eats, his sweet nose and gigantic feet.  The joy that I felt when I heard his first cry and the weight of him in my arms for that first moment.  And for some reason, I feel like I am forgetting her, and I feel guilty for being in a place where I am ok with how this last year has progressed.
But then I remember.  The tears, the heartache, and the weight of loss bearing down.  I am not sure how to process these bittersweet feelings.  I am over joyed with Potter, he is beyond what I had hoped for.  But I still ache for what could have been with Ireland.  I am selfish I guess, I want them both, and I don’t want to be the woman who knows these heartaches.  I want to be unaware.
This post is a little bit whiny and I apologize for that, I just never expected to be feeling such a range of emotions like these, and never would have expected them to weigh so heavily on my heart.  So pray for me please, that I can find a balance, a balance between Ireland’s memory and the the blessing of Potter in our house.

Love,

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