Attitude.

Just so we’re clear, I have a bad attitude.  It is something that I continually struggle with, and right now it seems to be worse than ever.  I am angry and short and sarcastic, and frankly I don’t really care.  I am just in a funk.  As my life continues to move forward, I find myself struggling to find balance within this “new normal” I appreciate the growth and wisdom that has come from these last weeks, but honestly I would love to go back to January 24th and be blissfully unaware of all of the heart-aches that this fallen world has in it. 

Don’t get me wrong I knew before this season that life was hard, I  have had struggles, and heartaches and times when I  have just wanted to give up, but the reality of how hard life really is, has never fully affected me.  Until now.

A good friend of ours is the guy who has been working on Ireland’s headstone, and he told me last Sunday that her stone will be placed in 2-3 weeks.  Right in time for her due date. Great. I am glad that we have a marker for her, someplace that we can go and celebrate her little life, but in reality I just want to be setting up her nursery, nesting and anticpating her arrival.  But that is not my reality, my new-normal is I get to anticpate the day when I go out to the cemetary and the final piece of our good-bye will be there for us to see, an 8×16 stone that marks her resting place, and the place where we laid a million un-fufuilled dreams and hopes.  That stings.

I have noticed lately, that people are becoming uncomfortable with me talking about her. “Time to start moving on Jess.” Well thanks for that, I am really trying to move on, but sometimes I just need to say her name and speak of her, I want to remember the weight of her in my arms, her tiny fingers and her nose.  How perfectly formed she was and the moments that I held her.  So please be patient with me, I am trying to move on, but this is such uncharted territory for me…I don’t know how to move on, I think I have been holding up ok, but I just miss her. So please know that I am doing the best that I can, and please let me talk about her, it truly does help.

I so appreciate your prayers, and all of you who take the time to read my blog.

Blessings,

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Comments

  1. Jessica,

    PLEASE keep talking about her! Please keep remembering every little detail you can and sharing with us. Please tell us the dreams you had for her…and the things you wanted to teach her. And tell us what, in turn, her and the Lord taught you.

    Please don't stop talking about her! She's your daughter, and I know we can ALL benefit from hearing about her, sharing in your joys, sorrows and honesty.

    I know we don't know each other very well, but I want to…”rejoice when you rejoice and weep with you when you weep” (Romans 12:15)

    I'm praying for you today!!!

  2. Oh Jessica,

    I get it.

    And it hurts.

    And I wish others could understand without ever having to live the pain we have and continue to live with each and every day.

    Thinking of you and sending you love across the miles,

    Jaime
    xo

  3. I just found your blog. I just want you to know I will be praying for you. I can't imagine what you're going through, and it seems to me you are handling everything with amazing grace.
    Hugs, from one mama to another,

    Liz

  4. Jess – Don't ever stop talking about her. God gave her to you and brought her home for a reason, and you may find that reason when talking about her.

    9 years ago I lost a baby, and your instincts are to shut down, but you really never get better until you get it out – talk, talk, talk! Tell the world about her!

    My prayers and love to you –
    Heather

  5. Jessica,
    I'm so glad Grace (your first commenter) sent me over. Your feelings are perfectly natural – but that doesn't make it any easier does it? Grief stinks… yet it produces beautiful fruit eventually. Just concentrate on getting through each difficult moment as it comes and let yourself continue to grieve until you don't have to anymore.

    I recently visited with a lady who wasn't aloud to grieve the death of her 6 month old daughter. Her family and friends kept telling her she needed to quit, so she hid her grief. Two years later she's still struggling very badly and I think it's because she never aloud herself to go through it – and there's no way around it – you have to go through it. So to those who are expecting you to move on too early, please tell them that you know you'll be okay in time but that you HAVE to grieve now or you'll never get through it. Tell them that an experienced griever told you so. 🙂

    Keep picking your feet up as you walk through the thick mud and realize that the mud will dry up and fall off of your boots in time (I just made that up! ha!). That's kind of how it is though.

    I just prayed for you.
    Love,
    Lynnette

  6. Jess-I believe there is no “right” way to deal with the type of loss you have experienced…who has the ultimate say that “moving on” will help you heal? You need to do what helps YOU, and if that means talking about Ireland, then you have a right to do that. I wish I was there to give you more support (physically). Your feelings are your own, you own them-don't let anyone take that away from you. Praying continually…
    Lindsey

  7. hugs to you Jessica; I will be there on her due date. My supervisor approved my vacation today. I want you to share EVERYTHING about her with me because I want to know everything. I am sorry people want you to move on already, you need to take all the time you need to grieve. I know it is not the same but you can always call me and I will listen to you whenever–work schedule or not

    I love you, I will see you and hug you soon

    betty

  8. Jess

    I know to well how people want you to just move on. It's hard and tough and raw. Our paths crossed a long time ago on Cafemom and you have always been a friend. Now you are a very special friend to me. I care about you and love ya bunches. So if you feel like talking about Ireland just message me or on here. My heart hurts for you and I hope that I have helped you somewhat. I just wish I could take your pain away but it never totally goes away. Ireland is special and God gave her to you for a short time for a reason. I pray for you and Kevin and your sons everyday.

    {{HUGS}} and Prayers always
    Caroline

  9. I'm writing another comment, Jessica, because the last one I was on the kid's computer and we are at church waiting to help out with Celebrate Recovery and I know I was distracted but I just ached sooooooooo much for you

    How can anyone tell you that it is time to move on unless they have walked in your shoes and everyone grieves in their own time and in their own way. It has only been a few short painful months since Ireland was taken from you. And the next few weeks are going to be hard ones for you. I know you will find yourself thinking “what if” or “why” or “how come” as the days move closer to May 10th. I am always here for you, Jessica. Ireland is and will always be a part of your life. I don't believe you can ever “move on” without her moving with you.

    sending you a cyberhug until I can hug you in person

    betty

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