Just so we’re clear, I have a bad attitude. It is something that I continually struggle with, and right now it seems to be worse than ever. I am angry and short and sarcastic, and frankly I don’t really care. I am just in a funk. As my life continues to move forward, I find myself struggling to find balance within this “new normal” I appreciate the growth and wisdom that has come from these last weeks, but honestly I would love to go back to January 24th and be blissfully unaware of all of the heart-aches that this fallen world has in it.
Don’t get me wrong I knew before this season that life was hard, I have had struggles, and heartaches and times when I have just wanted to give up, but the reality of how hard life really is, has never fully affected me. Until now.
A good friend of ours is the guy who has been working on Ireland’s headstone, and he told me last Sunday that her stone will be placed in 2-3 weeks. Right in time for her due date. Great. I am glad that we have a marker for her, someplace that we can go and celebrate her little life, but in reality I just want to be setting up her nursery, nesting and anticpating her arrival. But that is not my reality, my new-normal is I get to anticpate the day when I go out to the cemetary and the final piece of our good-bye will be there for us to see, an 8×16 stone that marks her resting place, and the place where we laid a million un-fufuilled dreams and hopes. That stings.
I have noticed lately, that people are becoming uncomfortable with me talking about her. “Time to start moving on Jess.” Well thanks for that, I am really trying to move on, but sometimes I just need to say her name and speak of her, I want to remember the weight of her in my arms, her tiny fingers and her nose. How perfectly formed she was and the moments that I held her. So please be patient with me, I am trying to move on, but this is such uncharted territory for me…I don’t know how to move on, I think I have been holding up ok, but I just miss her. So please know that I am doing the best that I can, and please let me talk about her, it truly does help.
I so appreciate your prayers, and all of you who take the time to read my blog.