I have been re-reading through many of my first posts and I am finding myself going through the agony of Ireland over and over and over as I read through them. They’re bittersweet to me, I am so thankful for the perspective that I have now, almost 16 months out. But I am still so angry that parents like Kevin and I have to walk through a graveyard to see our baby. We should be looking our our back door watching her run after her brothers. Life shouldn’t hurt this much.
Most days are good. But I still have those moments when the grief still hits me like a 2×4 between the eyes. My best friend Amy told me that the baby she’s carrying is a girl. I am excited for her, but I am jealous. I still grieve. I love my Amy-girl, and I am thankful that she understands the train-wreck that I am. But I know it hurts her to have a friend, that she feels like she has to sugar coat her pregnancy with. I hate that this is my reality.
These emotions are messy.
As a summer bible study I am reading a book called, “Battlefield of the Mind.” It is incredible.
The book describes Satan as a patient and cunning mastermind. When we were discussing the book a friend said that when she pictures the Satan, she pictures him seated at a chess table, head in his hands; planning his strategy, scanning, looking for points of weakness and scheming his moves far into the future. I have to keep reminding myself that he is patient. He manipulates. He wants to use my thoughts to destroy, and harm and terrorize me. He wants nothing more than to divide me from Jesus.
I don’t want to alienate people with this post, because I know what a hazy subject spiritual warfare is. When people subject comes up around me, I get antsy. I promise I am not a crazy “bible beater.” But I do believe that there are unseen things at work in this fallen world.
I know that there spiritual struggles at work within myself. When a fearful thought pops into my head, I allow it to take root in my mind, and my fears start to grow. Before long I become trapped in a vortex of fear and anxiety. I know that fear is not from the Lord, he tells me that.
Jesus also tells me that in this life, I will fight a battles…not physical battles, but mental and emotional battles.
The Lord tells me to take my thoughts captive, and make them obedient to Christ. Because fighting my thoughts is the greatest battles that I will ever face. My thought life can take me down roads that the Lord never intended me to go. He promises that he will be with me
It is my prayer that I would be able to realize when my thoughts wander into dark territory, and that I would be able to stand firm in the truths that I know. Jesus will not leave me, he wants the best for me.