I have been re-reading through many of my first posts and I am finding myself going through the agony of Ireland over and over and over as I read through them.   They’re bittersweet to me, I am so thankful for the perspective that I have now, almost 16 months out.  But I am still so angry that parents like Kevin and I have to walk through a graveyard to see our baby. We should be looking our our back door watching her run after her brothers.  Life shouldn’t hurt this much. 

Most days are good.  But I still have those moments when the grief still hits me like a 2×4 between the eyes.   My best friend Amy told me that the baby she’s carrying is a girl.  I am excited for her, but I am jealous. I still grieve. I love my Amy-girl, and I am thankful that she understands the train-wreck that I am.  But I know it hurts her to have a friend, that she feels like she has to sugar coat her pregnancy with. I hate that this is my reality. 

These emotions are messy.

As a summer bible study I am reading a book called, “Battlefield of the Mind.”  It is incredible.

The book describes Satan as a patient and cunning mastermind.  When we were discussing the book a friend said that when she pictures the Satan, she pictures him  seated at a chess table, head in his hands; planning his strategy, scanning, looking for points of weakness and scheming his moves far into the future. I have to keep reminding myself that he is patient. He manipulates. He wants to use my thoughts to destroy, and harm and terrorize me. He wants nothing more than to divide me from Jesus. 

I don’t want to alienate people with this post, because I know what a hazy subject spiritual warfare is.  When people subject comes up around me, I get antsy.  I promise I am not a crazy “bible beater.” But I do believe that there are unseen things at work in this fallen world. 

I know that there spiritual struggles at work within myself. When a fearful thought pops into my head,  I allow it to take root in my mind, and my fears start to grow. Before long I become trapped in a vortex of fear and anxiety.   I know that fear is not from the Lord, he tells me that.

Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.  Hebrews 13:5-6

Jesus also tells me that in this life, I will fight a battles…not  physical battles, but mental and emotional battles.

For the weapons of our warfare are not physical [weapons of flesh and blood], but they are mighty before God for the overthrow and destruction of strongholds,
  [Inasmuch as we] refute arguments and theories and reasonings and every proud and lofty thing that sets itself up against the [true] knowledge of God;
and we lead every thought and purpose away captive into the obedience of Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One).

The Lord tells me to take my thoughts captive, and make them obedient to Christ. Because fighting my thoughts is the greatest battles that I will ever face.  My thought life can take me down roads that the Lord never intended me to go.  He promises that he will be with me

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you [ransomed you by paying a price instead of leaving you captives] ; I have called you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

It is my prayer that I would be able to realize when my thoughts wander into dark territory, and that I would be able to stand firm in the truths that I know.  Jesus will not leave me, he wants the best for me. 

Happy Wednesday.


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  1. amen that he does want the very best for you. I too believe there is a battle going on that we do not see, a spiritual battle, but remember he that is in you is greater than the one in the world and NO ONE can snatch you out of Jesus' hand; you belong completey and totally to him.

    But that sneaky little enemy wants to take away your joy and your love and your trust and fill you up with anxiety, worry, etc. And that is when it is good to know those Bible verses to use against him when he starts attacking you; remember how Jesus stood up to him in the desert, he used the Word of God. Hide it in your heart and use them against the enemy when he comes a-knocking!

    congrats to Amy, I can't remember, I remember her, but I can't remember if this is her first or her second baby. Anyway, I remember a few short years ago you worried about someone's feelings when you were pregnant with Mac. However, I really think you can find a way to totally rejoice in Amy's pregnancy with her little girl and enjoy her pregnancy with her with her not feeling she has to gingerly step when around you. I know God will give you that strength and joy for her.

    Life is hard, isn't it? And just when we think it can't get any harder, it does. But that's why we just keep trusting in God and knowing he knows what is best and that he will not leave nor forsake us indeed!


  2. Jess,

    The final scripture you chose reminded me of “Praise you in this Storm” a song by someone…can't remember who. I want to say Casting Crowns. I might be lying.

    It's so easy for me to think of Satan as “the red devil”. Pitchfork, horns, evil high pitched laugh–things that are silly. The idea of the chess game is unnerving, and so real.

    Life sucks. At the same time, though, life rocks. It's weird to think that the two coincide. It's so easy to just feel the negative. I pray that the positive becomes more real to us all. I've never been through anything as hard as you have, and yet I still sit and whine about the things that I think “ruin” my life.

    Your strength strengthens me. Love your beak, my friend.


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