Cleaning Closets

Our hall closet is the dumping ground for all things kids/cleaning/decorations/board games…basically junk.  So instead of sitting on my couch on pinterest I decided to clean my closet today.  I am so glad that I did.

In the bottom drawer, in a red bag is God’s love shown through people who love us.  I sat down and went through this red bag; inside it were cards, words of encouragement and a book with names in written on the pages. These signatures are reminders of people who shared in our grief.  People who carried our burden with us, and loved us through the hardest season in our lives.

In the red bag, is a journal.  A dear friend gave it to me, to work through the myriad of emotions that I would undoubtedly encounter in the weeks, and months after Ireland’s death.  I wrote in the journal, until I started blogging.  For some reason I like the soothing repetition of my keyboard much more than a pen in hand.

I haven’t opened that journal in a really long time, probably close to 18-months.  But today, I grabbed the book, my Willow pup and opened the pink journal.  Here is what I found:

…”Everyone got to hold her, and spend time getting to know the girl who brought so much joy to us.  So much joy and pain.  How can these words go together?  Somehow they doe.  I know that God’s hand is in this agony somewhere, but I sure can’t see it.  I have so many questions, Why God?  Why us?  Why this Child?  Did we do something to deserve this pain?  I’ve gone over every what if?  So many questions……

…Thank you Jesus for my sweet Ireland, she is such a beautiful gift.  I will cherish the hours tha I had with her until my last breath.  I wish I could have had more.  I feel cheated, I don’t have enough memories with my daughter.  I have so many things that I want with her.  I want to hold her, rock her, nurse her, kiss her.  HOLD HER, Why Jesus?  Why my girl?  WHY?  I know that she is with you, and that brings me comfort, but I am selfish, I want memories….

…Thank you for my salvation, for the hope it brings me for tomorrow.  Guide me, help me, bring Kevin and I closer together, and bring peace to our hearts  Please Jesus give my baby a kiss from her mommy.  I didn’t get enough of those either…

By the time I finished reading these journal entries, I had tears streaming down my face, and the dog was licking my tears….quite the picture I am sure.  I am so thankful that the Lord has been so faithful to me through this season of time.  When I read the despair and desperation in my words, my heart breaks for the woman who was writing in these pages.

Psalms 30 talks of God’s Anger and his Unfailing compassion for those who love him. ( I want to preface this by saying, that I DO NOT believe that God was angry with me, I believe that we experienced tragedy because we live in a broken world.) I am so thankful that I have walked through the dark season and am able to “dance joyfully” as the Psalm says:

I will exalt you, LORD, for you rescued me.
You refused to let my enemies triumph over me.
O LORD my God, I cried to you for help,
and you restored my health.
You brought me up from the grave, O LORD.
You kept me from falling into the pit of death…

You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever!

Lord, thank you for walking beside me throughout the last 2-years, thank you for your faithful encouragement and constant unfailing love. Thank you for putting people in my life who didn’t give up on me when I was broken.  Thank you Lord for allowing me to grieve, and then healing my heart so that I can dance joyfully.

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