Courage, Dear Heart

Courage Dear Heart

I had an appointment yesterday, with a shrink. I see him often.  Yesterday I finally bared my soul.

Nightmares, I told him, I suffer from  nightmares. Actually, one nightmare in particular.  I’ve had this nightmare since Ireland died.  It happens frequently and then goes away for a time, and then comes back.  For the last eight or so weeks, it’s been almost a nightly occurrence.  I haven’t slept in weeks.  My body is in revolt–sluggish, hazy, and exhausted.

“Can you tell me about this dream?” he asked.”

Before my appointment and while I was putting on my final coat of mascara–I finally managed a shower (after three days.) Mercer has Mono and rather than move from the couch I’ve been glued to his side, watching him sleep and force-feeding him Popsicles and Gatorade because he’s just so dang feverish that I don’t know what to do.   My mama-gut tells me that if I sit really close, snuggle him and feed him cold fluids it will lessen his misery.  I don’t know if that’s true, but if it helps, I am willing.

Before my appointment, I was talking to my sister and I told her I feel like I am  one step away from the loony bin, she started to laugh.  I wasn’t laughing. My guts were churning and I was terrified that my doctor was going to take one look at me and say, “Jessica, it’s time for you to go away for a while.”

“I guess so,” was my not so confident reply.

When I finished telling him about the dream and I had filled a handful of kleenex with overwhelmed and vulnerable tears, my doctor, with his kind eyes, said to me, “Let’s fix this.”  He didn’t tell me I was crazy, he didn’t tell me I needed to go away for a while, he just gave me time to bare my soul, to get out what I had stuffed deeper, for fear that I would look crazy and when the dam broke, so did four years of pain, fear, guilt and  weakness.

Am I cured?  No, I don’t think so.  Today I have a brighter outlook, and a glimmer of hope that I couldn’t see yesterday and last night, well it was the first night I’ve slept in weeks.

Life doesn’t get more real  than this….

Courage, Dear Heart.

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