Fighting For Carver

Fighting For My Son

Carver and Noodle

Parents can not just love them enough.
My theory of Nature v. Nurture has been turned on its head.
People watch me, scrutinize me and place my child under a microscope of expectations that he just can not measure up to.
I never realized I could love someone so much my heart would break, a million times everyday.
I never knew, I would go from a mom with a happy-go-lucky, albeit not taken lightly, outlook on parenting; to someone who is constantly: defensive, angry, and frustrated, because people just judge. I hate them for that.
I pay people to piss of my son. We started weekly, now for the time being, daily, to see what triggers him. I want to hurt these people, hug these people,  and just beg them to stop. He’s small, he’s scared and he doesn’t realized that we’re doing this for his good. 
IQ tests, delays, autism screenings, behavioral disorders, neurological disorders,  the repercussions of drug and alcohol abuse and factors of epigenetics. The testing is mind-boggling and the list of “what-if’s” even more daunting.

Carver and Noodle Snooze
Now is when things are going to get real….for those of you who want to judge, just walk away now.  Turn off your computer and walk away.

Right now I can’t stand Carver’s birth parents. I want to punch them and stomp on them and shake them.  Their choices directly effected what is happening within the little body of my son. They hurt him. Now, with that said, I am grateful to them a million times everyday for the gift they gave me, when they chose Kev and I to be his mom and dad. Right now, when I walk into the Neuropsychologists office and I give my quaking, crying, terrified child over to professionals to test my son, in the hope they can figure out what is going on in his little brain, and his little body; the grateful-for-the-gift,  part of my brain shuts off and I see red.  I am rational, I know there are underlying issues–that everyone did the best they could with what they had.  But, in those moments, looking in my baby boy’s eyes, I am undone.

I keep coming back to the word Grace. Extend grace, with the measure you’d want it extended to you. Just Grace. Some days those are the only words I can manage to pray out, “God, grace for the moment. I am sinking. I am scared. I am overwhelmed.  Just grace.

Grace; and the Roar of a Lion to fight this battle for Carver.

 

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Comments

  1. Remember, the battle belongs to the Lord. He is fighting for Carver and the ultimate victory will be for his glory. Remember you are not alone in fighting this battle, the Lord is at your side. People will, but should not, judge. Best you can do is stay away from them and cling to those who support you. God knows you have the strength, the fortitude, the resources, and the love to mother this little boy. He will extend that grace and so much more, of that I am confident.

    Betty

  2. Jessica, I’m always here if you need an ear. Both of my sons have sensory processing disorder/high functioning autism even though I tried to do everything right. Know that with time, love, patience, and lots of looking at things from a new perspective……they make so much progress. It does get better. Love, Ruth

  3. Oh my goodness. As I read your blog, I stepped back in time through my motherhood. We had a different struggle, and still do, however; the love, the hurts, the anger are shared. I know we just met in Target, and shared some hurts briefly….but please know I understand this medical battle, and I understand your struggles. I know the hurt when others do not see your son as you do. I know the joy of accomplishments others of us simply take for granted. I know the worry of what will tomorrow bring. And I understand too, how this somehow also makes you different to some people. I am here for you should you ever need….

  4. I once asked B’s birth mother if she had any regrets for placing him with us or for placing him at all…she said “No, I couldn’t have helped him with his illness the way you and Karl have been able to”
    His “issues” are not related to any fault of hers so it applies in a different way.
    Your faith is strong and your maternal instinct (like mine) is fierce like a grizzly. We were meant to parent these children and for every tear we shed (or hold back) we light their lives with possibility, desire and eventually achievement.
    Do they teach us our own fragility? Yes, do we teach them their strength? YES
    POWER ON momma Bear and know that you are supported by a sisterhood of Momma Bears who will fight beside you, tooth and nail….

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  1. […] Carver had seen his OT (Occupational Therapist) for a few weeks, she referred us to a Behavioral and Neuropsychologist with the thought that Carver could be facing more than just a sensory disorder.  Carver went […]

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