Mercy. {part one}

{The music can be paused, but I encourage you to listen. Take in the melody and just let the truth of her words wash over you.}

I am about to get personal….Really, Really, Really, personal.

I grew up, feeling like I never fit.  Homely, awkward, an old soul trapped in a child’s body.  I couldn’t wait to grow up, I couldn’t wait to fit in.  I just wanted a place where I belonged.  To ask anyone who knew me as a child, if they knew I felt like a misfit, they would scratch their chins and say, “Jessica?  There is no way that  kid didn’t fit, she was outgoing, charismatic and a just a little too much sometimes.”  But in the deepest corners of my soul, a hopeless voice constantly told me,  “you aren’t good enough, you aren’t enough, you will never be enough .”

When I was in 3rd grade I transferred to a “rich” school.  I wasn’t a rich kid……I was a right down the middle, kid.  Had all my needs met, but not a ton of extras.  I walked into third grade, knowing a few people, {only because some, went to  Sunday school with me.}  They pretended I didn’t exist.  So I played alone, ate lunch alone and lost part of my innocence in those school walls.  The voice was right, I wasn’t enough. 4th grade was more of the same. I remember wanting so desperately to be on a science team, “Odyssey of the Mind” ( I don’t even remember what the premise was);  I went to the after-school meeting, hoping someone would pick me to join their team.

No one did. “You are  not good enough, no one wants you.”

Even the babysitter made it clear her preference was not me.  Her children were unkind, and when I fought back, I was the instigator.  I remember one instance, a small thing really; when the sitter’s daughter made a mean comment, and I locked her out of the car.  She didn’t get in trouble for saying mean words, but when my mom picked me up, the babysitter told her all about my misdeeds.

Elementary school was hard.  Middle school was better, easier to blend in, there were others who fit even less than I did and then came High School. Remember the “rich” kids that I told you about. Well, they grew up too…  I transferred my freshman year to attend the high school where they went.  This time,  desperate to fit in, I compromised everything I believed, the background and foundation of faith I’d been raised with. I didn’t care the cost,  I just wanted to belong. No matter the price; no matter the hurt.

My life filled with things that brought no happiness, just deeper hurts, poor choices and settling for things brought only pain and emptiness…. Through that desert season, God was near. Divinely placing people in my life, who would be well-springs of hope and healing. Wanting to fit cost me more than I ever dreamed possible.

Why all of this back story?  Well, this childhood pain was the catalyst that launched me to where I am today…

I want to leave you with something:  Writing these thoughts for all to see, puts me in a vulnerable position.  But the freedom I’ve found in expressing them without reservation has loosed a stronghold in my heart.  I hope you’ll come back and walk with me, as I finish my story!

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