I am OVER doctor’s appointments, schedules and trying to pencil in time to simply use the bathroom….The last two weeks, have tested my strength, my marriage, my relationship with my kids and my sanity.
Over the last two-and-a-half weeks, Potter has had 9-doctors appointments. NINE. To complicate matters more, he is taking eight different medicines everyday; just to breathe.
JUST TO BREATHE.
His little body is so full of junk, we are at a standstill. He can’t have the CT-Scan done, until he’s been healthy for 6-weeks. We haven’t had six weeks of health since the end of September. So from a mother’s perspective……..more waiting……more wondering……more fear.
Potter’s doctor called me last week, and as we were talking she gave me some tough love….she told me that Potter is okay. He is going to have a long road, but it’s going to get better; slowly and with perseverance. But eventually he will thrive. She also told me that I need to loosen my grip on him, let Kevin step in, not feel like I have to manage it all on my own.
As we were talking, I wanted to yell at her, and get angry and defensive. But her words rang true. Amid my tears, I told her, “I understand where you’re coming from, and I know that I need to loosen my hold on things that I can’t control. But, the only image in my head, is seeing him gasp for air. I’ve already held a blue, dead baby, that’s all I could see when he was struggling.”
I know that she’s right, I know that Potter is going to make it through this season, he will come out with nothing other than an aversion to needles and oxygen masks. But I can’t shake the fear that still grips me, even now. I don’t ever want to lose another child. My heart couldn’t survive it.
I hope she understood, that my over the top-ness with Potter, isn’t because I want him to be sick, quite the opposite. I so desperately want him to feel well, I think I’ve made his breathing and lung issues into this life-sucking monster, and let the fear of what could happen overshadow what is actually happening. He will survive, he will thrive, he will grow to do amazing things!