Pink roses

We took Ireland some flowers today, pink roses for my princess girl. Her stone turned out beautiful and the grass is growing over her grave, it feels like we have come full circle with our loss, and now we can start the process of moving forward, I don’t think I’ll ever truly recover from the pain of saying goodbye, but I know that I can be thankful for the blessings that God has given me so far, and be hopeful for the blessings that he has in store for our family in the future.
Her due date would be Monday, May 10th and instead of dreading the date, I am going to celebrate the 6 months that I carried her. I am going to spend that day with my family and celebrate the fact that we have been given an oppurtunity to learn and grow while facing incredible odds. My human mind is so small, but it gives me peace to know that when faced with a trial such as this, we have still been able to keep moving forward. I am laughing again, seeing my face with a smile and not the empty and hollow look of someone immersed in tragedy is a step forward. I know that I will carry traces of her loss forever, I am coming to terms with that. I wish that she was a physical part of our family everyday, but I am thankful that I have her memory and my emotional attachment to carry with me as our life begins to develop without her.

We have stepped out into a place that is uncharterd, but our navigator is someone who like me, lost his own dearly loved child. His ways are clear and his yoke and burden are light, all I have to do is trust, because placing my trust in him removes the worry and the anxiety from my shoulders. My navigator is plotting a new course for our family, a journey that we have adventured through before, but with this course the perspective is different, it is dotted with the reminders of what could have been, and the pain of not seeing it turn out the way we wanted.

But it is also a jouney of hope, so today as I looked down at my Ireland’s grave, I told her that I loved her and that I hoped she was having fun with Jesus. I also told her how proud I am to be her mama, and that she would always be my firstborn daughter. I told her I hoped she would understand why we wanted to try again to bring another life into our family, and that no matter what she would always be special, remembered and cherished.

God has listened and heard our prayers and for the next nine or so months I will be growing another life, another precious life. A blessing that will bring joy to our hearts and adventure to our lives. My prayer this time is simple, “Please Jesus, I just want this one healthy and alive. I trust your will and your plan, but I am praying in earnest that we will be bringing this child home with us. You know my heart, you know that I love you and will walk with you no matter the course you set. I trust you and thank you for giving me the chance to be pregnant again, and for bringing me to a place where I can praise you no matter the result I love you.”
~Amen

Blessings,
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