When You Look At Me?

Do I still look broken?  I still feel broken.

I have suffered from nightmares since shortly after losing Ireland.  When I say nightmares, I mean ONE nightmare.  reoccurring, at least a couple of times a week.  It is the most terrifying dream and it never changes.  It is desperate and cold and scary.

I went to a shrink right after having Potter J. because I felt like I was losing my mind. My doctor prescribed me happy pills (for postpartum depression) and counseling.   I’ve read that the odds of having postpartum depression when a healthy baby is born after a loss are significantly increased.  So I started taking some anti-depression meds, and scheduled an appointment with a counselor.

Before meeting the counselor, I prayed that the Lord would give me discernment and wisdom, that if the things the counselor was speaking weren’t things that aligned with my beliefs, I would know.  I went to see her a couple of times and told her about the dreams.  She told me that my subconscious mind was trying to communicate with me and that I needed to go deep into myself and try to change the dream……….I left with a sinking feeling in my gut.  This lady wasn’t the kind of counselor I was looking for.

I didn’t find another counselor and I thought that the dreams would get better.  They didn’t….the same dream over and over and over.  I have gotten to the point where I don’t like to sleep.  I feel anxious, and nervous, and afraid.

I am currently in a book study with a group of women, we are reading Battlefield of the Mind  by Joyce Meyer, I know that I’ve mentioned it before.  But lately I have been really struggling with panic and anxiety and worry. So I have been re-reading the chapter on anxiety and worry.

Why am I telling you all of this?   Because I have finally figured out how to combat the dreams.  By prayer….I can’t for the life of me figure out why I didn’t realize that praying would help before now… 18 months of terrible nightmares, and I finally realize that all I needed to do was seek the Lord’s face.  Why-Oh-Why does it always take me being desperate and in agony before I reach to him?

She explains in the book (hang on this is going to get wordy, but this point has helped me so much in the last few weeks).

“Worry Defined

Another part of the definition from,  The Random House Unabridged Dictionary, also enlightened me: ‘ To seize by the throat with teeth and shake or mangle, as one animal does to another, or to harass by repeated biting or snapping.’

Worry is definitely an attack from Satan upon the mind. There are certain things that [I] am instructed to do with my mind, and the enemy wants to make sure that they are never done.  So the devil attempts to keep the mental arena busy enough with the wrong kinds of thinking so that the mind never gets around to being used for the purpose for which God designed it….

Life is intended to be of such high quality that we enjoy it immensely. In  John 10:10 Jesus says,  ‘The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy.  I came that you may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, until it overflows)’.”

This definition of worry confused me…. I was talking to Kevin about the animal analogy.  He told me that this definition is a verb, that animals (dogs, lions, wolves) do this to their prey.  They attack, and attack and attack them wearing them down before finally going in for the kill.

I had an ah-ha moment.  This definition made sense in my current state.  I have been being attacked repeatedly over and over with this dream….Finally I figured (took me long enough) that prayer and speaking God’s word are the most effective way to combat the worry and anxiety that have been plaguing me.

“The Word coming forth out of a believers mouth with faith to back it up, is the single most effective weapon that can be used to win the war against worry and anxiety.”

I think I just needed to type this all out tonight and put it out there, so to speak.  I want people to know that just because I look ok, doesn’t mean that there isn’t a HUGE struggle going on within.  I don’t mind being transparent in my struggles, because I’ve learned that most of the time there is someone who is sitting right next to me in church, or in line with me at the store,  that is struggling with something similar, but they’re too afraid to speak.  I don’t want fear to keep me from speaking out.





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