Whys?

The thing that keeps catching me off guard is the fact that I am living my most terrifying nightmare. The dark dream that has woken me up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat, and crying….a dream where I am burying my child. My child. I have lived in fear of this happening for as long as I have been a parent.

I can’t tell you how many times I have wondered, “What would I do if I ever lost one of my kids?”
I’ll tell you what I do….

I cry, scream, and yell at God. “God why did you take her? Did I not pray enough? Live ‘good’ enough? Am I not doing a good enough job raising my boys? Do I not trust you enough? Tithe enough? Love you enough?  WHY GOD, WHY?  I have to be careful not to hang out here in this angry spot for too long, it honestly makes things worse…You know the What-if game?  It pulls me down and starts to suck the life out of me…so for all of those angry moments I remember the joyful ones:

“Thank you God for my boys, for the ‘life’ they bring me.  Thank you that they are healthy, growing, and that they love you.”

“Thank you for Kevin, for his steadfastness and his great understanding of how much I am hurting.  Thank you for giving me a husband who is truly A Man of God, someone who loves me unconditionally, someone who is my best friend, my balance and my soulmate.”

“Thank you for the multitude of friends, family, and strangers that are interceding and praying for us.”

“Thank you for the laughter that catches us off guard, and the fact that even in our brokenness we are able to moments of happiness within our pain.”

“Thank you for these times of rest and peace. Thank you that I am able to see the your faithfulness in my life.”

“Thank you that you understand my anger, and are big enough to take it, and use it for your purpose.”
This terrifying nightmare, has been so incredibly hard, but I have experienced the hope that comes with knowing that my girl is in the hands of her creator, and who better to be watching over her than The Most-High God. The thought of her in his arms makes this grief just a little more bearable.

Thank you for loving my girl much more than I ever could.

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I got the proofs back today for Ireland’s headstone…what a moment.  It all comes down to this final decision.

Whew. So hard, and gosh it hurts, I have told myself (and others) throughout these last two weeks. “I don’t want to do this…her induction and delivery.  I don’t want to do this….seeing her, holding her, kissing her. I don’t want to do this….go home alone without our baby.  I don’t want to do this….plan a funeral, and burial…. I don’t want to do this….go to her funeral and burial.  I don’t want to do this…live my life without her.  But I have done all of these things, and as hard as they have been, once I got to those points, God has stepped in grabbed my hand, and helped me muddle through

So I will make this final decision for our daughter, a headstone to mark her resting place.  And it will be hard, but I am trusting that God will meet me here and help me to muddle through.
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—Verb phrase

muddle through, to achieve a certain degree of success but without much skill, polish, experience, or direction.

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