With Bated Breath

Remember a couple of days ago, when I said I would follow my husband to wherever life took us?  Well today he told his boss that if the opportunity arose, he’d be interested in moving to the Philippines to help set up the call center there……I am seriously giddy thinking about what an EPIC adventure that would be.

I was telling my bible study group just last night, that I want to do something important with my life, not be important….just do something important. Like maybe cure athletes foot?  That’s important right?

I think moving my kids a million and a half miles away from home could be considered important, couldn’t it?  What a great story for later on in life…..

Q.  What is the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done?

A.   Accepting a job in a foreign country, and moving my family around the world.

Back to Montana….

I take depression medicine.  If I were a math equation I would look a little something like this…..

Post-baby hormones + grieving mom emotions + raising 4 boys – husband who works a lot = a woman who doesn’t know whether she is coming or going, and feels a little sad.

If  I were a color I think I would be greyish beige…just kind of bland.  No sparkle or pizzazz.  I went to the doctor and told her,

“I feel sad.”

She upped my dose of happy pills and is hopeful that they’ll kick in soon.

I keep putting out there this struggle I face with depression, because I KNOW that I am not the only mom (or woman) out there who feels like she has lost her grip.  I know that by my weakness and transparency someone may say,

“Wow, that’s how I feel, maybe I should seek out some help.”

I wonder if anxiety and depression is simply God teaching me a lesson of humility.  I never thought that I would struggle to put one foot in front of the other.  I never thought that I would go through the motions and put on a smile, when inside of me is just a crumbly mess.  I judged people who dealt with depression.  If they would just suck it up, quit being pitiful… and get on with life, then they would feel better….

I am sure I was guilty of speaking phrases similar to ones I’ve heard recently,

“If you’d just pray more, then you wouldn’t feel like you do.”

“If you’d just focus on the positive and quit being so negative.”

…..and a multitude of other things.

Part of me wants to laugh when people say these things, and another part of me wants to just shrug and tell them that I hope they never have to feel the dull empty feeling.

So promise me, if you’re reading this post and you can feel the dark closing in.  Talk to someone, call someone you trust and get help.  It is nothing to be ashamed of, and there is no weakness in needing help….no one would judge an  asthmatic for needing an inhaler, or a diabetic for needing insulin….just reach out, and even as snotty as the “Pray more” comment was, I know that for me, prayer along with medicine has truly made a difference.



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  1. that would be exciting to go to a different place, Jess, just make sure everyone’s heart is on the same page about the move. My sister/family lived in Netherlands for two years for her husband’s work. She supported his decision to go but they had a rough few months as she missed her “life” back home. Looking back, she said it was a great adventure and her two girls (teens at the time) liked it too but they, too, struggled the first few months.

    So as always, pray a lot about it.

    Being an “old fan” of depression and anxiety, I understand what you are saying. I found comfort a lot in God’s word and literally lots of times would have to repeat it over and over again and to visualize Jesus carrying me on his shoulders (thus knowing he is right here with me) and had to constantly remind myself he knows what I’m going through and he is in control. My plate was not as full as yours, but it was full and during that extreme time, the help of the antidepressants greatly did aid my ability to function so I support your decision to know you needed help. Lots of people don’t get to that point.

    Will pray for you, Jess. Its the best thing always to do, as you know 🙂


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