I started reading a book called Calm My Anxious Heart, by Linda Dillow and let me tell you it’s been an eye-opener.  I am a worrier, it just comes so naturally to me, especially since I became a wife and mother. Now I have a husband and three little boys to worry about…..  I worry about anything and everything.  Constantly.

My husband and I have been praying and talking about trying one more time to get pregnant and have a baby. Our boys are on board, especially Cooper.  He asked me if we could have another baby sister. So when I asked him “what if it’s a brother,”  he said “That’s ok, I will love him, I just hope he gets to live with us instead of Jesus, since Jesus already has Ireland.” Cooper tells it like it is, he loves Jesus, but he feels a little jipped. ( I tend to agree.)

Cooper also told me that if we had another baby it would help his heart not to be so sad.  I think that there is more wisdom in that statement than I first realized.  The pain of losing our sweet princess, is huge; but I think that taking the chance and experiencing a pregnancy post-loss will bring about a whole new perspective for Kevin and I.  I know for myself, that losing Ireland  has changed how I view pregnancy….and life.

I am a complainer, I hate being pregnant, the sick, the tired, the swollen, the stretch marks, the hemorrhoids (oh yes I said it) pregnant is not my favorite way to spend time. But I say this to you with 100% sincerity, if and when we decide to get pregnant again, I will not complain, I will cherish the time that I have with my  unborn baby, growing and nurturing it, and thanking God that I am able to carry the precious life that he has entrusted me with.

So with Kevin and my decision comes a large amount of… you guessed it, worry…….I so do not want to go through another experience like this. It’s really not fun. So I can see myself getting pregnant and becoming a wreck. I don’t think anyone would blame me, people would understand….

BUT my worrying doesn’t help things, in fact it does the opposite; it shows that I think that I can do better job than the God who created me, who designed me, the same God who put the stars in the heavens and created this incredible world I inhabit.  By worrying I am saying to him that he is incapable of taking care of my life and the lives of my children, born and unborn. I don’t ever want to think him incapabe, but I do it constantly. By worrying I am taking over, doing what I think is best, and not allowing God to do what he knows is best.

The cool thing about worry, is that when we feeling it surrounding us, we take it to the throne of God, “Do not worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs and don’t forget to thank him for his answers” (Phillipians 4:6).  When we choose to pray instead of worry, the Lord steps in, comes along side us and grants us his incredible peace, “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phillipians 4:7).

So when we choose to trust God, he listens and moves towards us, to calm our fears and worries.  I  need to remember this, so when Kevin and I finally decide to take a chance on pregnancy again, I can rest assured that God is beside me calming my fears and granting me peace for the moment. Regardless of the outcome.


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  1. (((Jessica)))

    I need to get that book cause I too am I worrier; we need to change that to being a warrier for the Lord with our prayers and living for him and trusting in Him.

    I can understand your fears if you do decide to get pregnant again (I just love what Cooper said, made me cry, but I love his heart).

    I am praying for you and Kevin in this decision of yours and giving it to the Lord for his timing. I know you guys will make the best decision for your family and I know Jesus will be walking right alongside you. And we will just continue to pray.


  2. Hello Jessica,
    I'm sure you've had a torrent of emotion as you've walked through this season in your life. As I read this entry, it occurred to me that you will know, in your heart of hearts, you will know if and when the time is right for another baby.
    The wisdom of this post belies your age. God is showing and teaching you new things during this time. I sense that you are a special young woman, and I do believe God has big plans for you.

  3. jess–you know i couldn't be more sorry this happened, but want you to know i already see you being restored and not only restored but a beautiful example and impact on so many people. i am sorry you had to go through this trauma but know from my own traumas that it has really only been then that i realize what a GIFT life is and allowed God to use me…

  4. Wow Jess what a great post and I'm a worrier. I can understand what you mean about another child. I went through so much this past pregnancy. I pray for you all the time and your family. I think about you so often. I know that after losing two children you look at things in a whole different light. I pray that if it's in God's plans to have another child one day that you know God will be right there beside you always. It's a different life we live but knowing that God is there no matter what is great. God is using you Jess so much. {{HUGS}}

  5. I love books by Linda Dillow. Years ago I read her first book, The Creative Counterpart. It was my favorite for wives (and the home). I came over today from Lynette's blog.
    I would love for you to come and share about your devotions and quiet time at my current post.
    Sweet Blessings,

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